New crime statistics released by the Yateley Metropolitan Crime Association reveal that incidents of daylight burglary, home invasion, and breaking and entering all increased by around four times during last Wednesday’s eclipse.
As of this morning, local police have only apprehended one of these thieves, who spoke candidly to The Yarbler this morning about his regret, saying: “I didn’t think it was that big a deal, then my mate said the next one’s not till 2090!” Adding, “Next time there’s an event this special, remember the important things. Go spend time with your family. I turned down an invitation from my nan to watch it, so I could burgle a house. Big mistake. And if you can’t ignore your urge to steal, at least burgle some of those glasses; otherwise, by all accounts, the view is rubbish!”.
Police say that most witnesses were unable to provide useful descriptions of the burglars, either citing the fact that they were wearing eclipse sunglasses or that their “eyes hurt” at the time of the thefts. Worryingly, this means many of these criminals remain at large…
The burglar’s nan did not respond to requests for comment.
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