Anti-social youths form dangerous literary group around Dickens Way

Loitering around the area of roads named after some of history’s greatest writers, just off Vigo Lane, this worrying gang of young people collude at night on the roundabout to “suck the marrow out of life”, reading violent and subversive texts, of both prose and verse. Reports suggest the boys speak in some sort of criminal code, or possibly tongues, employing unknown phrases like ‘carpe diem’, among others, all of which are presumably some sort of code for drugs.

The gang appears to have gained control over the streets of Hardy Avenue, Dumas Close, Keats Way, Christie Walk, Kipling Close, Dickens Way, Byron Close, and Herriot Court, with some law enforcement fearing their territory extends as far as Wordsworth Avenue. This has made said area of Yateley a worrying ‘no-go zone’ for local residents, in the period in which their ‘meets’ take place. High on ‘rhymes’ and ‘pentameters’ (two as yet unidentified substances), these erratic youths get wooed into a life of crime early on; often starting with a simple sonnet reading, they soon devolve into longer texts, known on the street as ‘books’.

These texts often promote a philosophy of ‘easy sexuality, relaxed morality’ and a culture of ‘anything goes’, opening up their minds, souls, and hips to the temptations of sin. These activities stand as examples of the ultimate spiritual corruption and often include writers as radical as ‘Wordsworth’ and ‘Tennyson’. One report even noted they overheard a group talking about their “favourite heroins”, with one saying ‘Elizabeth Bennet’, which is presumably the name for a specific street variant of the drug.

Intelligence suggests that this criminal organisation was inspired by a local youth club leader, who compelled the young men-turned-criminals to ‘carpe’ the ‘diem’, all while forcing them to call him ‘captain’. Thankfully, however, the man, now identified as a ‘Mr Keating’, was recently fired after an internal youth club investigation proved that this was far from the first time he’d tried such a stunt.